The 2026 Tesla Diner Experience

"Am I progressive enough?" I thought this morning after giving half my paycheck to NPR, listening to All Things Considered during my National Mental Wellness Awareness Day walk, then stopping at my local coffee shop run exclusively by former Pakistani refugees who don't speak English. But on the way back, staring at my COEXIST bumper sticker positioned directly above my Rav4's tailpipe, I couldn't help but think I could be doing more.

The answer was simple: I needed to spend $80,000 on an electric car otherwise the planet would die.

I then recalled the ‘97 Super Bowl—didn’t that have some kind of EV ad? To my shock, the EV1 was no longer being sold in the US, and Brett Favre had long since retired from acting. Clearly, I had some soul searching to do. My first thought was to look into the most popular option: Tesla. I was always getting cut off and tailgated by them—a crowd that combined the poor driving of the Prius owner with the manic lane-changing and unused turn signals of the BMW populace.

As I took another sip of my fair-trade, sustainably grown, organic slow-drip coffee, I decided that in order to even consider becoming a Tesla owner, I needed to live like one.

A Brief History of Dine

Six months ago, the Tesla Diner opened in Los Angeles to massive fanfare. Lines wrapped around the block. Social media exploded with photos of Cybertruck lunch boxes and retro-futuristic aesthetics. It was supposed to be more than a charging station with overpriced food—it was a destination, a glimpse into Elon's vision of the future where charging your EV became an experience instead of a chore.

By January 2026, the buzz had died. Word on the street was the place had become a ghost town—staff outnumbering customers, menu items quietly disappearing and celebrity chef Eric Greenspan bailing before Thanksgiving. What started as a viral sensation had reportedly flatlined into just another empty pit stop.

I wanted to see it for myself. I'll admit, it's hard to go in without some kind of chip on my shoulder. Elon Musk's cult of personality is unavoidable. His antics range from cringe-inducing at best to racist, everything-phobic, and deeply off-putting the rest of the time. But I was genuinely curious. I would need to separate the appetizers from the apartheidist.

Was this place actually dying, or was that just schadenfreude from people who wanted to see it fail? I tried to reserve judgment and rate this dystopian clubhouse at face value.